Over eating = self harming

25 May

Growing up I’ve had some issues.  Nothing major to the point of medication, but I would be lieing if I said I haven’t had the thought or two of wishing I wasn’t alive.  I know that’s deep but truthfully it’s just the way I felt.  I never acted in any way in those thoughts.  Never even really thought about how I would do it, other than what I maybe had seen or read about.  It was more one of those things I wouldn’t be too bothered about if God happened to take me early.

Personally I think this is a somewhat common thought.  You’d be surprised how many people, if being honest, would admit to it as well.  That being said I always thought I was a normal person because I never “self-harmed” myself.  Through all my grief and anguish I never had a thought to cut myself, or degrade myself for sex, I never did drugs to forget, or drink until I couldn’t see straight.  Even in my non-christian times I was quite squeaky clean.

That is until I was at my counselors last night and she asked me a question “[Chubby Girl] why do you think you sabotage your life?”  She asked me this because I was just finished crying to her about how I can’t seem to stick to my diet, how I’m taking it all out on my husband and how I seem to be doing everything in my power to push him away.  Whenever anything good is happening to me I sabotage it.  We haven’t gotten to the root of that particular problem yet but what she did help me see is that when I am in a rut, when I am upset and after I’ve just argued with anyone really I turn to food.

In all the books I’ve read they have classified me as an “emotional eater”.  That’s my title, my label if you have it.  I shrug my shoulders, down 3 cheeseburgers in one sitting, and say “hey there’s nothing I can do about it… I’m an emotional eater”  But what if that’s not all?  What if after all this time I have found a way to self harm.  That is when she hit me with it.  “You are self harming your body by overeating.”   I don’t just eat when I’m bored.  I eat until I’m stuffed.  Until I’m so full I’m going to be sick, and then I try to find food to eat some more.  I feel like I need to punish myself for not going to the gym, for not sticking with my routine, for snapping at Mr. notsoChubby when he breathes the wrong way.

I don’t cut, I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs.  I eat.  The first step to recovery is admittance.  Consider this step one.

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2 Responses to “Over eating = self harming”

  1. Chinky May 28, 2010 at 3:07 am #

    It’s great that you realize your problem and have the bravery to admit it in a public space like this. Sounds like your journey is going to offer a lot more emotionally than just weight loss. Funny how you’re saying this while I recently realized that I tend to over-exercise when I’m emotionally on the rocks. Can’t say either side of the spectrum is any better.

  2. Michelle May 26, 2010 at 2:38 pm #

    That sounds like you had a huge revelation! I hope you can get to the root of it and share it with us so we can learn too! Only 11 more steps to go! 🙂

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