How I felt about transferring into hospital

18 Mar

Another question I was asked:

Can I ask you a frank question? Feel free to say if you don’t want to answer. Given that in the end your transfer was necessary, how did you feel about it? I mean setting aside that it was a horrid traumatic experience, did you feel reconciled with it because of the circumstances? I hope you know what I mean, this reads very badly to me but I don’t know how to better word it! I am hoping that if there is a true reason I can be ok with it even if I am devastated with the way the birth went overall. I mean, I don’t want to feel ‘it shouldn’t have been this way’ and all those terrible feelings of regret that I have associated with my son’s birth. Does that make any sense at all?

Hmmm interesting question. Well for me it’s a bit different because the very first transfer was my decision and my choice. I had been labouring for 12 hours at home with just gas and air. Contractions 3 every 10 min the whole time and finally just cracked. I was only 2cm and my only hope was to be 3cm by the time I got to the hospital so I could have the epi. The whole ride to the hospital I mourned my home birth. I cried not because of the pain but because I felt like my body was failing me and I was failing my baby.

Once I was in the hospital things got really intense (coming every 2 min).  It was so interesting standing there fighting for my right to HAVE an internal and then an epi as opposed to fighting against them like I thought I would. They checked me and I was still only 2cm. At this point I broke down and oddly so did my body, with the next few hours it just shut down. So I stayed the night with nothing more than maybe one contraction an hour. So in the morning time DH and I decided we wanted to go back home and give it another try.

I explain all this because when I had to transfer the second time and all the shit hit the fan I wasn’t upset about not getting my home birth. When so many people tell me “I’m so sorry you didn’t get your home birth” it upsets me so much. It’s hard to explain that the trauma didn’t take away my home birth, I already did that 40 hours ago when I decided to go in. The trauma took away my birth experience. It took away those precious first minutes and hours with my baby girl. It took away my ability to believe in my body.

In the end though the greatest thing I look back on with fondness is MY control over every situation. I feel that alone is helping the healing process. I think this is the question your asking. When I hear people’s stories like yourself’s and Chuck’s I realize where most of your anguish comes from (i could be wrong here though) is the lack of control that’s felt. The midwives and doctors simply took over and in the end you felt everything happens to you as opposed to having control. Even though I had this horrific experience happen to me I made each and every decision. I decided I wanted the Epi, I decided I wanted the section after much talking to the Doctor. My sister says she was impressed with me. She watched me in so much pain actually discussing my options with the consultant as opposed to just signing away my life to them.

There were a few midwives who made me feel that the reason I was in the hospital and in so much pain was because I chose a home birth in the first place. One such midwife was assigned to me. I told her she had no right to speak or treat me like that. That not only is there no reasoning behind what she said, if for some reason there was, it’s the last thing a woman in so much distress mentally and physically needs to hear! Luckily she was finishing her shift just then but if she wasn’t we would have asked for a new midwife. And I am sending in an official complaint about her. She will never act like this to another woman if I can help it.

To sum up! Speak up for what you want. Don’t think just because you’ve transferred you have now given up your freedom of choice. Concentrate through what you’re going through and make those tough decisions. In the end you’ll heal faster. Not having anyone else to blame but yourself allows you to forgive the person you blame faster.

Sorry I couldn’t fully answer your question and that I wrote a novel! I just felt like to give you an honest answer that makes sense you needed a bit of background.

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